You can
change your state
Have you been placed in
situations due to repeated negative behaviour patterns that make you uncomfortable,
or you are not able to say ‘NO’ or you feel relegated to a listener where you
are not able to vent out your feelings and things you would like to tell? After
the experience, you think that you will not put yourself in such a situation,
but the negative pattern is repeated again and again.
It is not the other person’s behaviour
but our state of mind that directs our thinking and actions, and we are no able
to come out from such behaviour patterns.
Eric Berne put forth a theory to explain such
behaviours, enrich your dealings with people, and your understanding of
yourself.
He named it Transactional
Analysis or TA. According to TA irrespective of the age or biological condition
of our bodies, each of us has three kinds of shifting mental stages called the
ego states. They are the child, Parent and Adult ego states. TA has wide
applications in clinical, therapeutic, organisational and personal development,
encompassing communications, management, personality, relationships and
behaviour. Whether you're in business, a parent, a social worker or interested
in personal development, TA can help you.
TA
says when two people encounter each other, one of them
will speak to the other. This Berne called the Transaction Stimulus and the
reaction from the other person Transaction Response. Transactional Analysis
became the method of examining the transaction wherein: 'I do something to you,
and you do something back'.
Berne also said that each person is made up of
three alter ego states which are represented as circles:
·
Parent - our 'Taught' concept of
life
·
Adult - our 'Thought' concept of
life
·
Child - our 'Felt' concept of
life
When we communicate, we are doing
so from one of our own alter ego states, our Parent, Adult or Child. Our
feelings at the time determine which one we use, and at any time something can
trigger a shift from one state to another. When we respond, we are also doing
this from one of the three states, and it is in the analysis of these stimuli
and responses that the essence of Transactional Analysis lies. It is called the PAC model.
Characteristics of the different ego states
Parent
The Parent
state is our ingrained voice of authority, absorbed conditioning, learning and
attitudes from when we were young. It is conditioning by parents, teachers,
older people, next-door neighbours, aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters. Our
Parent is made up of a considerable number of hidden and overt recorded playbacks.
Typically embodied by phrases and attitudes starting with 'how-to', 'under no
circumstances', 'always' and 'never forget', 'don't lie, cheat, steal', etc.
Our parent evolves from external events and influences upon us as we grow
through early childhood. We can change it, but this is easier said than done.
It is characterised by angry or impatient body-language and expressions,
finger-pointing, patronising gestures. Such a person uses words
like always, never, for once and for all, other judgmental words, critical
words, patronising language, language full of arrogance.
Adult
Our 'Adult' is our ability to think and determine
action for ourselves, based on received data. The adult in us begins to form when
we are around ten months old and is the way by which we keep our Parent and
Child under control. If we are to change our Parent or Child we must do so
through our adult. Such a person is -attentive, interested, straight-forward,
tilted head, non-threatening and non-threatened. In adult state one would use
phrases like why, what, how, who, where and when, how much, in what way, conditional
expressions, reasoned statements, true, false, probably, possibly, I think, I
realise, I see, I believe, in my opinion.
Child
Our
internal reaction and feelings to external events form the 'Child'. The child state
is the seeing, hearing, feeling, and emotional body of data within each of us.
When anger or despair dominates reason, the Child is in control. Like our
Parent we can change it, but it is no easier.
Such a person would have emotionally sad expressions,
despair, temper tantrums, whining voice, rolling eyes, shrugging shoulders,
teasing, delight, laughter, speaking behindhand, raising hand to speak,
squirming and giggling. He will use baby talk, or phrases like I
wish, I dunno, I want, I'm gonna, I don't care, oh no, not again, things never
go right for me, worst day of my life, largest, biggest, best, many
superlatives, words to impress.
Transactional Analysis developed
significantly beyond these Berne's early theories, by Berne himself until his
death in 1970, and since then by his followers and many current writers and
experts. Significantly, the original three Parent-
Adult- Child components were sub-divided to form a new seven-element model,
principally during the 1980s by Wagner, Joines and Mountain. Controlling and
Nurturing aspects of the Parent mode, each with positive and negative aspects,
and the Adapted and Free aspects of the Child mode, again each with positive
and negative elements emerged, which essentially gives us the model to which
most TA practitioners refer today:
The parent is now
commonly represented as a circle with four quadrants:
Nurturing -
Nurturing (positive) and Spoiling (negative).
Controlling -
Structuring (positive) and Critical (negative).
The Adult remains
as a single entity, representing an 'accounting' function or mode, which can
draw on the resources of both Parent and Child.
The Child is now
commonly represented as circle with four quadrants:
Adapted -
Co-operative (positive) and Compliant/Resistant (negative).
Free -
Spontaneous (positive) and Immature (negative).
Examples
of reactions from specific states
1 To
a stimulus of new modern dress reaction from different states could be
Parent:
“Oh god! What is it supposed to be?”
Adult:
“That cost Rs 3000/-“
Child: “
Ooo, what a pretty colour! Is so hap!!”
2. To
a crash of Bollywood mix of an old classic:
Parent: “This horrible stuff
children listen to today!”
Adult: “It’s hard for me to think
when the music is playing so loud.”
Child: “That makes me want to
dance.”
3. To the smell of spinach:
Parent:
“The spinach keeps the family healthy.”
Adult:
“Spinach has high iron content.”
Child: “Nobody
is going to make me eat that stinky, tasteless stuff.”
Communication can continue
between two people as long as transactions are complementary and whenever a
crossed transaction happens it may stop the conversation.
A complementary transaction
occurs when a message, sent from a specific ego state, gets the predicted
response from a particular state of ego. We can say it is appropriate and
expected and follows the natural order of healthy human relationships. It can
occur between any two-ego states.
For example:
The boss asks the Secretary:
“What time is it?”
Is addressing the adult ego state
in the secretary from his adult state, who replies
“It is 12’O clock.”
And responds from an adult ego
state as expected, this is a complementary transaction.
A crossed transaction occurs when
an unexpected response is made to the stimulus.
So in the earlier example, if the
response of the Secretary to the question “What
time is it” is
“you’re always in such a hurry!”
Now, this is coming from Parent
ego state addressing the child of the boss it becomes a crossed transaction. It
is against the expected adult ego response.
An inappropriate ego state is
activated. At this point, people tend to withdraw, turn away from each other,
or switch the conversation in another direction.
Representation
of a complementary transaction
|
Representation of a crossed transaction
|
1.
Look at the following conversation between the
Ramesh and Shiela, when Shiela has come late for work:
Ramesh: “You are useless!”
Shiela: “I know, I am sorry”.
Ramesh
who was in adult ego state on seeing Shiela shifted into a Parent ego state and
spoke targeted at the Child of Shiela and Shiela upon hearing this moved from
her Adult to her Child ego state and complied. It is a complementary
transaction.
2.
Now, look at this conversation:
Ramesh: “You are useless!”
Shiela: “Don’t you dare talk to
me like that.”
She is responding from a Parent
ego addressed to the child ego of Ramesh. It is a crossed transaction. There is
instability in this transaction. After a cross transaction, either the
communication breaks or the argument will grow up to a point where psychological
stability reaches.
Let’s hear further:
Ramesh: “You are useless!”
Shiela: “Don’t you dare talk to
me like that.”
Ramesh: “You have missed the
board meeting!”
Shiela: “I don’t care what I have
done. You don’t talk to people like that.”
Ramesh: “But……”.
Shiela: “You bloody well
apologise.”
Ramesh: “I..hm….”
Shiela: “I’m waiting.”
Ramesh: “I meant just that……..”
Shiela: “I said, I’m waiting.”
Ramesh: “Ok, I am sorry”.
Shiela: “I don’t think you mean
that. I think I’ll report you for harassment”.
Ramesh: “OK, I am really very
sorry”.
In the above exchange, what
started as a crossed transaction has shown the shift of ego states. Initially
Ramesh who was in his adult ego state on seeing Shiela shifted in his
Parent. However, Shiela did not respond
to the expectation instead moved into the parent state from her adult. As she
insisted on her parent ego state the transaction takes a turn and psychological
stability is achieved when Ramesh is shifted from the parent into the Child ego
state. [This may not give satisfaction to Ramesh, but on the subconscious level
through some crossed transactions, the relationship has reached an equilibrium.]
Transactional Analysis is a tool
you can use to know yourself, to understand how you relate to others, and to
discover the dramatic course your life is taking. After analysing our transactions we need to
develop our Adult ego state. Any transaction which is likely to become a
crossed one is best handled through the Adult ego state. To enable you to develop
your Adult ask yourself these questions:
·
What events and people trigger your Parent and
Child States?
·
Do you assign responsibility for both the parties
equally?
·
Do you have to be in control?
·
Do you feel forced into taking control?
·
Do you have a hard time making decisions and try to
get others to take them for you?
·
Do you feel you’re not as good as others?
If your answers to any of these
questions are “YES” then you need to work to change them into a “NO”!
The things that I have talked
about is just the tip of the iceberg of Transactional Analysis. There are several
other key concepts in TA that can help you make different areas of your life
better. It talks about positive and negative strokes, life positions and a
series of transactions that develop into games people play!!