You can change your state

Have you been placed in situations due to repeated negative behaviour patterns that make you uncomfortable, or you are not able to say ‘NO’ or you feel relegated to a listener where you are not able to vent out your feelings and things you would like to tell? After the experience, you think that you will not put yourself in such a situation, but the negative pattern is repeated again and again.

It is not the other person’s behaviour but our state of mind that directs our thinking and actions, and we are no able to come out from such behaviour patterns.

Eric Berne put forth a theory to explain such behaviours, enrich your dealings with people, and your understanding of yourself.

 He named it Transactional Analysis or TA. According to TA irrespective of the age or biological condition of our bodies, each of us has three kinds of shifting mental stages called the ego states. They are the child, Parent and Adult ego states. TA has wide applications in clinical, therapeutic, organisational and personal development, encompassing communications, management, personality, relationships and behaviour. Whether you're in business, a parent, a social worker or interested in personal development, TA can help you.

TA says when two people encounter each other, one of them will speak to the other. This Berne called the Transaction Stimulus and the reaction from the other person Transaction Response. Transactional Analysis became the method of examining the transaction wherein: 'I do something to you, and you do something back'.

Berne also said that each person is made up of three alter ego states which are represented as circles:

·        Parent - our 'Taught' concept of life

·        Adult - our 'Thought' concept of life

·        Child - our 'Felt' concept of life

When we communicate, we are doing so from one of our own alter ego states, our Parent, Adult or Child. Our feelings at the time determine which one we use, and at any time something can trigger a shift from one state to another. When we respond, we are also doing this from one of the three states, and it is in the analysis of these stimuli and responses that the essence of Transactional Analysis lies.  It is called the PAC model.

Characteristics of the different ego states

Parent

The Parent state is our ingrained voice of authority, absorbed conditioning, learning and attitudes from when we were young. It is conditioning by parents, teachers, older people, next-door neighbours, aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters. Our Parent is made up of a considerable number of hidden and overt recorded playbacks. Typically embodied by phrases and attitudes starting with 'how-to', 'under no circumstances', 'always' and 'never forget', 'don't lie, cheat, steal', etc. Our parent evolves from external events and influences upon us as we grow through early childhood. We can change it, but this is easier said than done. It is characterised by angry or impatient body-language and expressions, finger-pointing, patronising gestures. Such a person uses words like always, never, for once and for all, other judgmental words, critical words, patronising language, language full of arrogance.

Adult

Our 'Adult' is our ability to think and determine action for ourselves, based on received data. The adult in us begins to form when we are around ten months old and is the way by which we keep our Parent and Child under control. If we are to change our Parent or Child we must do so through our adult. Such a person is -attentive, interested, straight-forward, tilted head, non-threatening and non-threatened. In adult state one would use phrases like why, what, how, who, where and when, how much, in what way, conditional expressions, reasoned statements, true, false, probably, possibly, I think, I realise, I see, I believe, in my opinion.

 Child 

Our internal reaction and feelings to external events form the 'Child'. The child state is the seeing, hearing, feeling, and emotional body of data within each of us. When anger or despair dominates reason, the Child is in control. Like our Parent we can change it, but it is no easier.  Such a person would have emotionally sad expressions, despair, temper tantrums, whining voice, rolling eyes, shrugging shoulders, teasing, delight, laughter, speaking behindhand, raising hand to speak, squirming and giggling. He will use baby talk, or phrases like I wish, I dunno, I want, I'm gonna, I don't care, oh no, not again, things never go right for me, worst day of my life, largest, biggest, best, many superlatives, words to impress.

Transactional Analysis developed significantly beyond these Berne's early theories, by Berne himself until his death in 1970, and since then by his followers and many current writers and experts. Significantly, the original three Parent- Adult- Child components were sub-divided to form a new seven-element model, principally during the 1980s by Wagner, Joines and Mountain. Controlling and Nurturing aspects of the Parent mode, each with positive and negative aspects, and the Adapted and Free aspects of the Child mode, again each with positive and negative elements emerged, which essentially gives us the model to which most TA practitioners refer today:

The parent is now commonly represented as a circle with four quadrants:

Nurturing - Nurturing (positive) and Spoiling (negative).

Controlling - Structuring (positive) and Critical (negative).

The Adult remains as a single entity, representing an 'accounting' function or mode, which can draw on the resources of both Parent and Child.

The Child is now commonly represented as circle with four quadrants:

Adapted - Co-operative (positive) and Compliant/Resistant (negative).

Free - Spontaneous (positive) and Immature (negative).

Examples of reactions from specific states

1          To a stimulus of new modern dress reaction from different states could be

Parent: “Oh god! What is it supposed to be?”

Adult: “That cost Rs 3000/-“

Child: “ Ooo, what a pretty colour! Is so hap!!”

2.         To a crash of Bollywood mix of an old classic:

Parent: “This horrible stuff children listen to today!”

Adult: “It’s hard for me to think when the music is playing so loud.”

Child: “That makes me want to dance.”

3.         To the smell of spinach:

Parent: “The spinach keeps the family healthy.”

Adult: “Spinach has high iron content.”

Child: “Nobody is going to make me eat that stinky, tasteless stuff.”

Communication can continue between two people as long as transactions are complementary and whenever a crossed transaction happens it may stop the conversation.

A complementary transaction occurs when a message, sent from a specific ego state, gets the predicted response from a particular state of ego. We can say it is appropriate and expected and follows the natural order of healthy human relationships. It can occur between any two-ego states.

For example:

The boss asks the Secretary:

“What time is it?”

Is addressing the adult ego state in the secretary from his adult state, who replies

“It is 12’O clock.”

And responds from an adult ego state as expected, this is a complementary transaction.

A crossed transaction occurs when an unexpected response is made to the stimulus.

So in the earlier example, if the response of the Secretary to the question “What time is it” is

“you’re always in such a hurry!”

Now, this is coming from Parent ego state addressing the child of the boss it becomes a crossed transaction. It is against the expected adult ego response.

An inappropriate ego state is activated. At this point, people tend to withdraw, turn away from each other, or switch the conversation in another direction.

Representation of a complementary transaction

Representation  of a crossed transaction

1.   Look at the following conversation between the Ramesh and  Shiela, when Shiela has come late for work:

Ramesh: “You are useless!”

Shiela: “I know, I am sorry”.

Ramesh who was in adult ego state on seeing Shiela shifted into a Parent ego state and spoke targeted at the Child of Shiela and Shiela upon hearing this moved from her Adult to her Child ego state and complied. It is a complementary transaction.

2.             Now, look at this conversation:

Ramesh: “You are useless!”

Shiela: “Don’t you dare talk to me like that.”

She is responding from a Parent ego addressed to the child ego of Ramesh. It is a crossed transaction. There is instability in this transaction. After a cross transaction, either the communication breaks or the argument will grow up to a point where psychological stability reaches.

Let’s hear further:

Ramesh: “You are useless!”

Shiela: “Don’t you dare talk to me like that.”

Ramesh: “You have missed the board meeting!”

Shiela: “I don’t care what I have done. You don’t talk to people like that.”

Ramesh: “But……”.

Shiela: “You bloody well apologise.”

Ramesh: “I..hm….”

Shiela: “I’m waiting.”

Ramesh: “I meant just that……..”

Shiela: “I said, I’m waiting.”

Ramesh: “Ok, I am sorry”.

Shiela: “I don’t think you mean that. I think I’ll report you for harassment”.

Ramesh: “OK, I am really very sorry”.

In the above exchange, what started as a crossed transaction has shown the shift of ego states. Initially Ramesh who was in his adult ego state on seeing Shiela shifted in his Parent.  However, Shiela did not respond to the expectation instead moved into the parent state from her adult. As she insisted on her parent ego state the transaction takes a turn and psychological stability is achieved when Ramesh is shifted from the parent into the Child ego state. [This may not give satisfaction to Ramesh, but on the subconscious level through some crossed transactions, the relationship has  reached an equilibrium.]

Transactional Analysis is a tool you can use to know yourself, to understand how you relate to others, and to discover the dramatic course your life is taking.  After analysing our transactions we need to develop our Adult ego state. Any transaction which is likely to become a crossed one is best handled through the Adult ego state. To enable you to develop your Adult ask yourself these questions:

·       What events and people trigger your Parent and Child States?

·       Do you assign responsibility for both the parties equally?

·       Do you have to be in control?

·       Do you feel forced into taking control?

·       Do you have a hard time making decisions and try to get others to take them for you?

·       Do you feel you’re not as good as others?

If your answers to any of these questions are “YES” then you need to work to change them into a “NO”!

The things that I have talked about is just the tip of the iceberg of Transactional Analysis. There are several other key concepts in TA that can help you make different areas of your life better. It talks about positive and negative strokes, life positions and a series of transactions that develop into games people play!!